I know that no one will ever read this here. That's the whole point. I really feel the need to write these things but I can't actually have anyone I know read this. This is post is for my my own emotional gratification only. Not that I expect to get a whole lot of gratification from this.

I guess it's more of a case where I need to say these things to someone or something. Even if it's just a feeble shout into the empty wilderness of this little bit of cyberspace. My writing this makes it more real somehow. Stupid, I know.

I've been alone for most of my life. At least I've felt alone for most of my life. I've always thought of suicide but never very seriously, my own cowardice and fear assured that I'd never take my own life. However, lately I feel that's a situation that could slowly be changing.

Lately all I can think about is how alone I am. I feel as if my loneliness is killing me slowly from the inside-out. I constantly think about death and wonder if it would be better to be dead than to continue to live as I am. I just want the pain to go away.

All I can think about is the one thing I can't seem to have. More than anything I want a girlfriend. How fucking pathetic is it that I can't attract a woman? What the fuck is my problem?

I could understand if I was amazingly ugly. But while I might not be a heart throb or anything I'm at least average looking, maybe even a bit above average. I see far uglier guys all the time with cute, even beautiful, girlfriends. So why can't I get a girlfriend at all?

I have come to hate myself. I hate myself for being such a loser. I hate myself for being so weak and for being such a wimp. I have no drive and no discipline. I hate myself for being lazy. I hate myself.

I wish I were stronger, strong enough to not feel this pain or at least to be able to bear it. I used to lie to myself and pretend that it didn't really effect me much or at least not for long. But now I can't lie any longer. This is crippling me. It was all I could do to get through work tonight without breaking down.

How much longer can I hold out? How much longer can I go through my normal routine of work while all I really want to do is go somewhere and curl up in a ball and weep? I've been holding on for so very long and hoping for so very long and I'm tired of it all.

I think I've cried more in the last week or two than I have in the last several years. How pathetic. Even worse, the sound of my own weeping sounds fake and forced to even myself. As if I can't even be honest with my own sorrow even when there's nobody around to hear me.

In all honesty I deserve pain. I deserve to be alone. I deserve death. Maybe one of these days I'll take a bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up. A cowardly way to kill myself I know but then I AM a coward. If I had any strength I'd have the decency to at least use a gun or jump off a tall building.

I know I'm supposed to have hope but there is no hope. Even if a girl was attracted to me how long would she stay? Obviously I'm an emotional wreck. What woman would want me after finding out just how fucked up I am? A sweet catch 22. A beautiful vicious circle.

Because I've been alone so long I am desperate and needy. Upon finding out how desperate and needy I am even interested women would walk away. Which of course would render me even more desperate and needy. Making me even less attractive to women.

I know this all sounds pessemistic and needlessly doom and gloom. But I can't just feel optimistic. I can't just feel good about myself. To try and pretend that I do would be a lie. I am who I am and I feel what I feel. What I have written here is ugly but it is the truth. Moreover, it is one of the few times I've been completely honest about how I am.

I hate my life; that is the truth. I hate myself; that is the truth. Even though I'm too much of a coward right now to kill myself someday that might change; that is the truth.

  1:34 PM

I have been thinking about actually paying money for hosting. Probably one of the stupider ideas I've ever had. I know next to nothing about creating websites and the only real benefit I'd get is that I could get the pics on this blog page to work properly. Since nobody reads this damn blog why exactly should I care what it looks like?

As for the site itself, nobody's going there now so why would that change just because I'm paying for it? Although I have been thinking about putting together a Project A-ko fansite. Buit again, since I know very little about website construction there's very little I could do in that regard so I'd end up paying for a bunch of storage and bandwidth that I'd never use.

I suppose it's just as well, I don't need to get involved in yet another project that I'll never finish. I have far too many of those already.

rambled by the Old Fart at 1:34 PM

Sunday, October 06, 2002

  2:58 PM

Damn it! This the third time I tried making this blog entry! Friggin Internet Explorer crashed on me. Lousy piece of SHIT!!!

I'm not going to bother with what I was going to post. In fact I don't feel like bothering with anything now after all that.

rambled by the Old Fart at 2:58 PM

Monday, September 30, 2002

  3:01 PM

It's kinda funny to find myself with a renewed interest in blogging after so much inattention for so long a period of time. I've pretty much killed off the regular readers but I'm blogging anyways. Perhaps it's just my perversity shining through. I have no idea if it's a good thing or a bad thing.


I suppose I'll fill you (whoever you might be, if indeed there's anyone ay all) in on the recent happenings. I'm still bummed out about wrecking the car but the good news is I actually made out, sort of. When it was all said and done I actually made around a $600 profit off the insurance. I was lucky enough to have bought a car at a price that was much less than it's actual book value.Of course it's going to cost me in the long run due to higher insurance premiums but as of right now I'm a bit ahead. So things could certainly be worse.


On the down side my regular job hasn't been doing so hot, the last couple of weeks there's been hardly any work at all. In fact I only worked three days last week. If this keeps up I'm going to have to get yet anothwer part time job. Perhaps I should pursue a career as a professional car wrecker. I do have the experience after all.

Well, onto other topics. Or rather a topic that I have expounded on at length on this blog before. Of course with the archives gone like a fart in the wind we can't go back to check out those those classic posts but anywho...


Yes I mean complaining about chicks, or rather the lack of any such creature in my life. A few nights ago I was on Yahoo! and just for giggles I decided to check out the Yahoo! personals. I'm sure we all know just how useless such a pastime is but I'm nothing if not a bit masochistic. So of course I decided to waste my time checking out all the girls I'll never meet.



Let me tell you a little something about people who run personals sites or services. They could give a shit about people's happiness or whether or not you or I ever meet someone at all ever in our lives. You could live the rest of your life being lonely and bitter and they could care shit-all about that. All they care is that we are desperate enough to go to their site and waste our money in the vain attempt to relieve the pain of being lonely. They are the ultimate in human vultures, making money off of other people's pain. These are people without so much as a smidgen of human compassion.


Oh sure, they'll have glowing testimonials about the happy couples who met through thier service. But how about the thousands of people who spent good money and got nothing at all foir their troubles?


In my opinion the people who run dating services should be dragged out into the streets and shot like the scum that they are.


Ah, it's great to be able to log on and bitch about my life. Makes me wonder why I stopped blogging for so long.

rambled by the Old Fart at 3:01 PM

Saturday, September 28, 2002

  7:35 AM

I'm sure that all of my nonexistent readers will be thrilled to know that I'm trying to set up my own web page. Oh what joy! It's not anything close to good looking but it is there. I've been struggling with it for the past few days and I imagine it will take many more days before it's near to being done. Actually it will probably take a lot longer than that.

Anyways I've linked it from this blog. It's the "Oldfart's Webpage" link. Take a look and then have a good chuckle at my expense. Really, I don't mind. it's what I'm here for.

rambled by the Old Fart at 7:35 AM

Monday, September 23, 2002

  6:46 PM

I know no one is reading this and so it really doesn't matter. But just for giggles I'll blog this anyhow.

Yesterday morning I wrecked my beautiful 96 Eagle Vision. It's pretty much totalled. I really don't want to go into to the details of the accident other than to say it's my fault. When I saw what I did to my car I all but cried. Not that it matters that much but I somehow came out of it without more than a couple of bumps.

I really would like to say that there some positive something-or-other to come out of all this but that kind of reasoning sounds pretty weak right now. And believe me, I've been trying to convince myself.

I should be glad to not be seriously injured or dead and I am. But I don't think I can be happy about the situation.

rambled by the Old Fart at 6:46 PM

Saturday, June 15, 2002

  3:27 PM

Just a test to see what happens

rambled by the Old Fart at 3:27 PM